Grief and the Holidays

Grief is the gift that keeps on giving.  No matter how much time has passed since the death of your loved one, something can hit us, seemingly out of the blue, and take us back to the depths of pain and loss.

We mourn not only the one who has died, but the loss of who we were with that person. Our identity was this and now, it is that. 

Grief is the response to having loved deeply and openly - of sharing ourselves with another person and the deeper that connection, the deeper the grief. 

They say that time heals all wounds but I think it is better to say that time teaches us how to deal with those wounds.  With time and experience we learn how to walk forward without that loved one with us and while it may still hurt, the hurt morphs into something we can handle better until one day we realize there is light and life out there and we want to be a part of it.

Grief has no time limit or time frame. For each person it is varied and different and you must remember to give yourself time and grace for everything you are going through.  Be kind to yourself and know that what you are feeling is completely normal. Do not compare your grief to someone else's grief experience - everything is unique and while there are some points of similarity in traveling this path - ultimately our experience will be all our own.  

There are so many "firsts," when we sit in grief. That first day, week, month, year and all the holidays that come upon us when we may not feel ready to face it.

This is so important to hear so please listen closely: Set Boundaries and only do what you feel you can do. Do not let anyone try to force you into a jolly holiday because they think it will "make you feel better."

Do not let yourself feel guilty or that you may be letting people down because you are not at a place to celebrate yet.    Truly ask yourself if you are ready or even do you want to give it a try - if the answer is no, that is okay.  Telling family or friends that you are just not there yet, that you are working with this grief and right now, you are not ready.   Do things at your own pace at your own time and don't feel rushed.  

Things you can do during the holiday season that can help ease the feelings of grief:

Set boundaries - visits, parties and get togethers can be hard but if you feel you want to try it, give yourself a time frame - "if I can do this for a half an hour then I can go if I need to" is a great start.

Realize that people may or may not ask you about your loved one and "rehearse," your responses.  This may sound silly, but when I was deep in grief I often didn't even know what to say and that can be awkward and make you feel even worse.  Pre-thinking your responses  gives you a sense of control and that can really help.

Rituals oh rituals.  This can be a hard one because there are so many things we do together during the holidays.  Do you want to continue doing them or maybe make new ones?  Maybe you want to take a break this year and look at them again next year?   Make a list of all the things you think you need to do and decide how you want to face them.  Don't be afraid to ask for help - people are often wanting to offer their help but are afraid of making the grieving person feel worse for "bringing it up," so if there is something you would like help with, ASK!

Honor your emotions - and they may range up and down the emotional scale daily!  Take time for yourself and never feel guilty about it.

Remembrance or Legacy Projects can be the perfect way to remember your loved one, honor their life and bring family and friends together to create something out of love. Here are some ideas you can make all your own.

Helping others. This one sounds funny at first, especially if we are deep in our own grief but I have found that when I help another person it brings me up out of my own sadness and makes me feel useful.   We may not always be in a place to help others, but sometimes it is just the thing to help soothe our hearts a bit.

Honor yourself and the memories of your loved one and know that you are not alone. Bit by bit time will bring experiences and begin to heal the soul.