Coping With It All

I wrote this a long time ago on a Xanga Blog - if anyone remembers Xanga! I thought I would  go through it and update it but then I realized, it still stands as is.  This essay will be a part of a Grief Zine I am putting together for the first of next year. 

Monday, July 04, 2005

Coping With It All ... A summary of thoughts by C~

When my brother died I went into a period of fog. I don't know how long I stayed there, days, months, years. Time stopped, no longer fluid, no longer moving within the norm. Time simply went by and I either went with it or it took me along for the ride. I only know that for the first few months while my family was wrapped in the depths of grief,  I was in a protective haze. I felt the hurt but it was akin to being in that sleepy state, right before the alarm goes off. It's comfort allowed me to do what needed to be done because I was the only one that could.
While my family and friends sat around and talked in the murmurs that are only familiar to the newly bereaved, I arranged the things that needed to be done. Looking back I realize I made all of those decisions alone, something I never thought myself capable of and it really isn't until something like that happens, that you realize you can do those things.  My mind put things that hurt to think about in a box, tied up with string.... for later. The mind has it's own pain relief and it lasts until one is ready to start coping.
I did what needed to be done and then I fell. Weeks? A month later? I am still unsure, time had swept me up and then one day, it started ticking again and that was the day I couldn't stop crying. Up until that time, I had cried a little, mostly at his memorial , the tears were real but didn't even start to encompass the hurt. I was afraid to let those feelings out, afraid they wouldn't stop once they started.
When I fell, I fell hard. Again, timing was everything because by this point my family was stronger and helped me back up. It was a very confusing time to be in. I stopped sleeping because every time I closed my eyes things I didn't want to remember became crystal clear and some memories are best left to fade. When I was awake,  I walked around contemplating the, "Why's" of the world and cried.  I felt like I was losing my grip on reality and slowly going crazy. Nothing made sense or I could make sense of nothing.
Then one day I began to cope with my loss.
I pictured it best like the diagram below and have found that it also works not just with death but also in losing a job, getting hurt in a relationship, as well as during those painful times when you aren't sure what is going to happen.


                                              ME      =============bridge============      Island of Sanity  

                                                                ~Chasm of what has been lost~


I started going through the phases of grief and after realizing I wasn't going crazy, I began to deal with it in a healthy fashion. I started at the beginning. Each day brought new trials and joys. I found days where I would be going forward ~ one step at a time. And then be outraged when I found myself back where I started or retreating instead of going onward.
This is normal. The stages of loss/hurt/grief never follow a pattern and you will find yourself moving forward and backward. I was trying to fill a void that was under the bridge ~ the void being my brother (this could also be any other hurt or loss.) That was when I realized I could never fill that void I could only remember what it was. From that point on I made more progress in going forward. My brother will always be there and for me to try and fill "his" void, would be to move him out.  I was finding sanity again.
I had created rituals to keep me connected to my brother and one  day I realized the little rituals I was doing no longer made me feel better. Lighting a candle for Tom, writing in my diary to him, things like this... for a period, they kept me close to him and helped me keep his memory in my mind and in my heart. They helped me through my grief.  But at a certain point they ended up hindering my progress forward. So, in a tribute to my travel forward, I lit the last candle and did not blow it out. Instead, I let it burn out on it's own. It felt right to let go of the grief and the memories I didn't want in this manner. I wrote him my last letter goodbye, it hurt so much, but when I was done I felt that I had made much progress. Tabula Rasa.
I woke up one day and found myself standing on "The Island of Sanity." It  was a surprise to be there because I didn't see the journey end and in some ways, it never does. But for me, reaching it the first time was the biggest challenge.  I had been traversing that long road, creating familiar ruts on the bridge for so long that I never thought I would make it. But I did. I still have days where I fall back on the bridge and it still hurts. But I also know that I reached the "Island" once and I know I will get there again.
I am writing this because it is therapeutic and also to maybe help others who are hurting. Not just loss by death but also a lost job, a broken relationship or any confusing time of living. My answers or ideas are not perfect ~ they just happen to work for me and they have helped others I have counseled.
I hope that if you are stuck out on that bridge that you find the strength in your heart to keep going... you will reach that Island.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My brother died by suicide in 1997 and while I can say the grief I had has healed, it still hurts to think that the memories we shared are the only memories I will ever have of him and there will be no new ones.  Please, if you are feeling suicidal talk to someone. There are options and your life is precious.  988 Suicide and Crisis Hotline